How to find a cure for gambling addiction

Get it?! LMAO!!!!!1

*siiiiiigh…*

I thought it was funny. But who knows…maybe you actually came to this page, hoping for an answer to your gambling problem? If that’s the case, then here…try the official site for Gamblers Anonymous. If all else fails, maybe Google will put a nice big fat “Gambling Addiction” advertisement under this paragraph? If not, you’re…out of luck.

I was just about to submit this review of Mayday Parade’s album, Anywhere But Here, to Amazon.com, when suddenly I remembered: I have a blog. So GFY, Amazon.

Anything But This Album

In one word: disappointing.

Unfortunately, one word simply isn’t enough to accurately describe the EPIC FAIL that this album represents. That is of course, unless you’re a fan of boring, uninspired music that features definitely-not-catchy melodies and vocals that invoke about as much emotion as an auctioneer selling gravel–in which case, boy are YOU in for a treat!

But…if you’re a fan of Tales Told By Dead Friends and A Lesson in Romantics and you’re expecting this album to be a continuation of the previous two, then brace yourself for a tremendous letdown. The only reason I didn’t rate this 1-star is because the CD itself functions reasonably well as a drink coaster. Now I can put my ice-cold beer on the wood table, without worrying about whether or not condensation is going to accumulate at the base and form an unsightly circular stain of discoloration.

If you’re as big a fan of Mayday Parade as I used to be, then nothing I say is going to stop you from buying Anywhere But Here. But that’s okay, because you need closure. For me, buying this album was like identifying a friend’s body at the morgue: sure, it’s a traumatic experience…but the sooner you get it over with, the sooner you can begin the healing process and move on with your life.

The morgue analogy is actually quite fitting, because as far as I’m concerned…Mayday Parade died when Jason Lancaster left the band. The signature sound that earned both of their first 2 CDs a place in my personal “Top 10 Most-Listened-To Albums of All Time” list–that sound followed Jason to his new band, Go Radio. As for the remaining members of Mayday Parade…I’m sure they will continue to rock…kinda like how Black Sabbath continued to rock after Ozzy left.

(Hint: that means Mayday Parade sucks now.)

Apple has recently announced the release of the iPad. Apparently, it’s a cross between an iPod, Amazon’s Kindle ebook reader, the iPod Touch, a tablet PC, and a netbook. Or, if you prefer, you can think of it as an over-sized iPhone that doesn’t make phone calls. Or maybe a really-over-sized Nano that doesn’t take pictures or video? Whatever it is…the whole World is buzzing about it, and frankly…I find it incredibly annoying. If you want to get in on this ridiculous iPad hype, a good place to start is the official page for the Apple iPad. Once you understand at least 5% of the iPad’s features, be sure to go on Twitter and tell the world how you feel about it and how the iPad has changed your life.

Just like any other Apple product release, this one has stirred the pot of Apple fanboys and fangirls…who just can’t WAIT to get their hands on one of these paperweights. By this time tomorrow, your local Starbucks is going to be full of really cool people…all of them casually surfing the Web on their brand new, totally-awesome, WiFi-enabled iPad. No longer will their malnourished fingers struggle to navigate eBay in search of tight-fitting jeans and gauged ear plugs. No…now they can pull this flat-screen TV out of their book bags and man purses, and smear their finger grease across 9.7 inches of LED-backlit multi-touch bliss.

As I’m looking at the trending topics in Twitter right now, I’m seeing the following extremely-important topics:

• itampon
• ipad
• iPhone
• iPad announcement
• iBooks
• iWork
• MaxiPad
• iSlate
• Kindle
• iPod Touch

WTF? iTampon? I guess that’s the next step in iPad technology? Well I’ve always considered myself a bit of an innovator, so I’m going to jump on this bandwagon while the market’s hot. I’m introducing…the new Apple iDouche! That’s right folks…if you can’t focus on important issues because your friends and coworkers refuse to shut up about the iPad, iBooks, iPod, iPhone, iTampon, or any other Apple iCrap…then you need the cutting edge in iPussy technology: the Apple iDouche. You have more important things to worry about than some over-hyped, semi-useful product that all your questionably-heterosexual friends keep babbling about. With the iDouche, there’s never been an easier, more-convenient way for you to flush those iPussies out of your life for good. The 16 gigabyte model starts at only $499. Preorder now!

Apple iDouche

Today, we are proud to introduce you to Skepticat, our newest employee here at PsychoGraphic Media. , and we look forward to a brighter future with him leading the way. Skepticat has established himself as one of the industry’s most ambitious innovators, and he’s widely recognized for his ability to multitask and think outside the box while maintaining a professional rapport with his colleagues and being a team player.

Skepticat has a lot of experience with the internet, and as a result…he has developed a keen sense for assessing 3rd party statements and identifying lies, white lies, lies by omission, untruths, half-truths, partial truths, stretched truths, deception, bluffs, exaggerations, tricks, gimmicks, hyperbole, hype, spin, yarn, gossip, crock,  rubbish, fibs, falsehoods, phonies, fakes, forgeries, fraud, flapdoodle, fiction, fairy tales, fables, myths, tall tales, whoppers, baloney, bunk, drivel, poppycock, bullshit, hogwash, horsefeathers, hooey, hokum, flimflam, balderdash, and gobbledygook.

Welcome to the team, Skepticat. We’re happy to have you on board!

I just came across a story in the Northwest Herald about a guy named Carl Ahrens, who was arrested for drunk driving in Woodstock, Illinois. I live in California, so I don’t usually think about Illinois unless I absolutely have to. In fact, up until a few minutes ago… I thought Illinois was a fuckin’ city. But apparently it’s not a city–it’s a state. Specifically, it’s a state which contains McHenry County, which contains a courtroom presided over by the honorable Judge Thomas Meyer. According to the story I read, Carl Ahrens was charged with the following crimes:

• driving with a blood-alcohol content greater than 0.08 percent
• endangering the health of a child
• improper operation of an off-road motorcycle
• operating an uninsured motor vehicle
• driving without registration

It sounds to me like this Carl fellow is just your typical reckless drunk piece of shit you’d find on most streets in Illinois. Right? However, that very-reasonable assumption is immediately thrown out once you see a picture of the “motor vehicle” in question. Let me introduce you to the Razor MX500 Dirt Rocket:

As it turns out, Carl Ahrens was merely riding his kids around on an electric TOY. If this thing is bragging about a top speed of 15 mph, you can bet your ass Razor clocked that speed with a 5-year old anorexic midget driving it (that’s hyperbole for “a person who weighs very little”). So 36-year old Carl, plus a child, would probably be more like 8-10 mph (on a full charge, downhill, with the wind at his back). To put that in perspective, that’s about how fast an average person runs. Is it illegal to get drunk and go jogging? No. Why? Because there is very little risk of you hurting anyone… just like there is very little risk of anyone getting hurt from this toy. Here to demonstrate is this badass kid who rides his Razor MX500 at full speed off a ramp… and then crashes.

See? The kid just gets up and brushes himself off. But… what would happen if we threw alcohol into the mix? NOTHING. IT WOULD STILL BE A FUCKIN’ SLOW, HARMLESS TOY. The article even includes this quote from Ahrens:

“I can’t believe I’m in this much trouble over a toy,” Ahrens said. “It goes 4 miles an hour. I plug it in overnight.”

Representing the opposing argument is this quote from the prosecutor, Jennifer Gibson:

“I think Judge Meyer made the proper decision,” Gibson said. “I think it shows what a serious offense it is that he was riding his kids around on this motorbike at over two times the legal limit.”

I can’t stand people who use this Dr. Phil argument. “Do it for the kids.” Yeah right. Let’s look at this from the kids’ point of view. You killed one of their favorite activities (riding around with their dad on the Razor MX500). Then you took their family’s money to pay legal fees. Then you suspended their dad’s license, thus hindering his ability to work and preventing him from driving his kids anywhere. So now the kids are poor and can’t leave the house. In the end, all you’ve done is make their lives a lot shittier. And for what? What good came from this? NOTHING.

Fuck you, Jennifer Gibson. Unreasonable, lonely bitches like you have been eroding this country’s freedom for the last 100 years. I don’t understand why your kind can’t accept the fact that you’re NOT making the world a better place. If you’re trying to make an impact, just throw yourself off a cliff.

One of the reasons this story bothers me so much is that I had a similar encounter with the law when I was 15. I was riding a motorized scooter around and some fuckin’ loser cop writes me a ticket for driving without a license, insurance, or registration. The ticket set me back $360, but to a 15-year old… that equals about $700 trillion. What was the outcome? Did I learn my lesson? Am I a better citizen as a result? Fuck no. The result is that I absolutely despise cops, judges, the court system, and the entire U.S. government. You greedy, crooked-ass bitches. Fuck you.

If you are looking to add REAL players to your MySpace Mafia, then you’ve come to the right place. Every employee at PsychoGraphic Media has their own profile on MySpace, and it is a company-wide policy that we play Mafia Wars as often as possible. Unfortunately, none of us have any real friends, so we’re always getting the shit kicked out of us by these fuckin’ cheaters who all have the maximum 501 mafia members.

I couldn’t understand how the hell everybody has 501 friends at all, let alone 501 friends that actually play Mafia Wars, so I looked into it and discovered that there are entire websites dedicated to connecting people for the sole purpose of building up their Mafia Wars families. If that’s not pathetic enough, there’s also software programs that you can buy, where you enter in your email address and MySpace password… and the program automatically finds friends for you? Come on, people… at what point do you admit you’re a pathetic loser piece of shit?

So here’s the deal… for anyone who’s looking to recruit some new Mafia Wars players, we would be honored to join your family. And recruiting us will bring you many benefits that these other sites/programs don’t offer. For example:

• We are all Level 100 or higher, so recruiting all 6 of us and promoting us to your Top Mafia will unlock the achievements “Getting the Crew Together” and “Crime C.E.O.” (You can demote us afterwards if you want.)
• We all chose different character types, so you can choose from 2 Moguls, 2 Fearless, and 2 Maniacs. Each character type provides unique advantages when promoted to your Top Mafia positions.
• We only go on MySpace to play Mafia Wars, so you don’t have to worry about being friends with annoying people you don’t know.
• We consistently call for backup on high-paying jobs. This will help you earn the Mercenary achievement, as well as provide you with up to 148 free Experience points per day.
• Our profile pictures are kickass drawings from GTA Vice City and GTA IV, so you don’t have to worry about seeing someone’s ugly real face pop up during game play.
• We don’t need any information from you, and we certainly won’t ask you for your email address or MySpace password! All we need from you is a friend request (send a request to each PsychoGraphic Media profile you want to recruit into your Mafia family.)

If you would like to add us to your Mafia Wars family, please visit the MySpace profiles listed below and send a friend request to each of us. After we receive your friend request, we will approve it and send you an invitation to add us to your Mafia. We usually check our profiles once a day, so your request will often be accepted within 24 hours.

Recruit These MySpace Friends for Mafia Wars:

Click each of the profile images below and send them a friend request!

Everyone knows the drama that went down at the 2009 VMA’s, but few people have seen this rare, uncut footage of what REALLY happened when Taylor Swift won the award for Best Female Video. Taylor Swift gave Kanye West the microphone so that he could announce to all the MTV viewers that he’s gay. That’s right… Kanye comes out of the closet, and his gay lover is none other than celebrity gossip queen, Perez Hilton!

That’s right, fuck ‘em. Everywhere I look, some ass clown is referencing ninjas as if they’re cool, or cracking ninja jokes as if they’re funny. Today, I’d like to set the record straight; I’d like to show everyone that ninja references are neither cool nor funny (unless by “funny” you mean “queer”). First, let’s look at some examples to help you understand the severity of this ninjademic. I did a Google search for [ninja] and found an unusually-diverse assortment of results, which included the following:

• www.ninjanewyork.com – a “ninja-style restaurant”
• www.ninjakiwi.com – free online games
• ninjawords.com – a “really fast dictionary”
• www.ninjatrader.com – electronic trading software
• www.chessninja.com – info about chess
• www.internetmarketingninjas.com – “make money online” program
• www.sustainabilityninja.com – info about eco-friendly stuff

As you descend through the ranks of search results, the relationship between the products and ninja becomes increasingly obscure. The concept of ninja has lost all meaning and is now purely a marketing gimmick. Even bums are tapping into the marketing power of the ninja.

The only thing worse than a bum is an unoriginal bum.

Whatever your business is, chances are there’s someone out there trying to gain an advantage in that niche by stuffing their marketing campaign with ninja references. But Why? Why does everyone just assume that the ninja version of something is inherently better than its organic version?

In order to answer that question, we must look at the history of the ninja. Many ninja enthusiasts suggest the first occurrence of ninja-like activity can be traced back to the first century, to a guy named Prince Yamato. According to ancient Japanese literature, Prince Yamato disguised himself as a young girl and drew the attention of a guy they called Brave of Kahakami. As the story goes, Prince Yamato flirted with–and teased the cock of–Brave of Kahakami, before finally drawing his sword and assassinating him. So there you go. No black suit, no ninja stars, and no climbing abilities whatsoever–no, the first ninja ever… was a cross dresser.

The sad truth is that ninja were a bunch of pussies in the face of traditional Japanese warfare. You had the honorable samurai out there, fighting like real men and squaring off face-to-face, and then you had the bitch-ass ninja, sneaking around and killing people in their sleep. Or I should say “trying to kill people.” According to this essay about the history of the ninja, there’s not one single documented case of a successful assassination attempt made by a ninja (the author doesn’t count that cross dresser one). Furthermore, the essay explains how the black ninja outfit was invented by Japanese theaters, which emphasized the stealthy nature of ninjas by dressing the ninja actor in the same all-black outfit that “invisible” stagehands wore. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, check out this scene from Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Jason Segel: invisible stagehand or Dracula's ninja sidekick?

So essentially, everything we’ve ever been told about ninjas is 100% bullshit. In reality, ninjas were a bunch of pussies who wore plain [women's] clothes and got slaughtered by the thousands (probably at the hands of angry homophobic samurai suffering from blueballs). Nevertheless, pop culture and advertising continue to suggest that ninjas are cool and/or funny. I mean seriously, how many of these fuckin’ things can one planet sustain:

3x3 matrix of not funny

Enough already. Let the ninja references die.

Join me in my fight against ninja jokes. You can help by spreading the word that ninja’s are cross-dressing, nonviolent bitches. The sooner the world knows the embarrassing truth about ninja, the sooner they’ll shut the fuck up about them. For those of you who prefer a more subtle approach, I have edited a few of the images from the not-funny matrix and made them available to you. I encourage you to post them on forums and websites, in order to neutralize the effects of pro-ninja propaganda. With your help, we can have the whole world saying… fuck ninjas.

ANTI-NINJA PROPAGANDA

Fuck Ninjas Motivational Posters are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.

Over on the PsychoGraphic Media YouTube channel, we have a few videos about Resident Evil 5. We often get asked questions about RE5, even if it has nothing to do with our videos. Why does everyone just automatically assume that if we know how to do the fast reload trick, then surely we must know everything in the Universe?

I’ll tell you why. It’s because our videos are so FUCKIN’ AMAZING and professional-looking. People see our videos and wonder… “Did these guys actually create Resident Evil 5? Did they create the entire Resident Evil series? Did they create mankind?”

I’m gonna say no to the first 2 questions, simply because I don’t want Capcom to sue my ass for trademark infringement. The 3rd question, however, gets a emphatic YES. Yes, PsychoGraphic Media created mankind. You can show your appreciation by subscribing to our YouTube channel AND our blog feeds. In fact, just subscribe to everything we ever do… or we will smite you.

Okay, I’ll get to the point now.

Someone over on “teh Tube,” by the name of NicoNator321, just left a comment on one of our RE5 videos (How to Unlock Extra Characters in Versus Mode), which asks: “hey can anybody help me how do i download the versus mode or where do i.”

Since Nico didn’t specify whether he’s asking about the Xbox 360 or the Playstation 3, I’m just going to assume he’s talking about the PS3. It’s not a logical assumption by any means, but it makes answering the question a hell of a lot easier, since I don’t even own an Xbox 360. So here you go, Nico my niggo… I drew you a map: